What would be inappropriate when communicating with a person who has dementia?

Oct 4, 2025 5 min read •

senior care dementia Communication

Dementia affects an estimated 6.9 million Americans aged 65 and older, making communication challenging for both caregivers and loved ones. Understanding what would be inappropriate when communicating with a person who has dementia is critical for maintaining their dignity and ensuring compassionate care.

Quick Summary

Learning the specific communication pitfalls to avoid with a person living with dementia is essential for fostering positive, respectful interactions. Inappropriate actions include correcting their memories, arguing with them, or using patronizing language, which can cause significant distress and agitation.

Key Points

Avoid correcting or arguing: Correcting a person's mistaken beliefs or memories will likely cause distress and is often ineffective, as their perception of reality is different.
Refrain from testing their memory: Asking questions like "Do you remember...?" can be humiliating and upsetting for someone who struggles with memory recall.
Use simple, clear language: Avoid long, complex sentences or giving too many instructions at once, as this can overwhelm a person with slowed cognitive processing.
Be mindful of tone and body language: Non-verbal cues like an impatient tone or frustrated body language can increase anxiety and agitation in a person with dementia.
Never use patronizing language: Using "elderspeak" or talking to them like a child is disrespectful and can damage their sense of dignity.
Validate their emotions, not their facts: Instead of insisting on accuracy, acknowledge the feeling behind their words to provide reassurance and comfort.
Do not take their words personally: Remember that hurtful remarks or false accusations are often a symptom of the disease, not a personal attack.

Understanding the Challenges of Dementia Communication

Communicating with a person living with dementia can be a delicate process due to the cognitive changes the disease causes. As memory, language, and reasoning skills decline, individuals may struggle to express their thoughts and feelings or to understand others. In these moments, caregivers and family members must adapt their communication style to minimize confusion and frustration. The key is to prioritize emotional validation and maintain a calm, reassuring presence rather than correcting or insisting on factual accuracy. The wrong words or tone can escalate a situation and cause distress for both parties, making it vital to understand which behaviors to avoid.

Inappropriate Verbal Communication to Avoid

Many verbal cues and phrases can inadvertently cause harm or confusion. Being mindful of these can significantly improve interactions.

Asking "Do you remember when...?" or testing their memory: This can cause anxiety and humiliation for a person who cannot recall the requested information. It highlights their memory loss, which can be upsetting. Instead, share your own memories as a statement to reminisce together, such as, "I remember when we used to go to the park together."
Correcting or contradicting their reality: A person with dementia may have false memories or beliefs that feel completely real to them. Contradicting them directly, for example, by saying, "That's not how it happened," will likely only lead to an argument and increased distress. A better approach is to enter their reality or gently redirect the conversation.
Reasoning or arguing with them: Logic and factual reasoning are often ineffective, as dementia affects the ability to think rationally. Engaging in an argument about what is true or false is a losing battle and will only escalate frustration for everyone involved. Instead, respond to the emotion behind their words, not the words themselves.
Using "elderspeak" or patronizing language: Speaking in a high-pitched voice, using cutesy terms like "honey" or "deary," or talking to them as if they are a child is disrespectful. This infantilizing language robs them of their dignity. Maintain a respectful, adult tone of voice, even when simplifying language.
Reminding them that a loved one has died: Forgetting a recent bereavement is common with dementia. Forcing the person to relive the pain of a loss by repeatedly reminding them can be incredibly cruel. If they ask about a deceased person, it may be better to gently redirect or offer a comforting, reassuring answer without rehashing the death.
Asking open-ended questions: Questions that require complex thought or recall, like "What would you like to do today?" can be overwhelming. Instead, offer simple, closed-ended questions with limited choices, such as, "Would you like to go for a walk or listen to music?"
Talking about them as if they are not there: Even if a person with dementia seems withdrawn or unresponsive, they may still be able to hear and understand parts of the conversation. Discussing their condition or care with another person in their presence is disrespectful and can cause hurt feelings.

Inappropriate Non-Verbal Behaviors

Communication is not limited to spoken words. Non-verbal cues are just as important and can be misinterpreted or cause stress.

Showing impatience or frustration: Your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions communicate a lot. Rushing a person, sighing, or making frustrated gestures can increase their anxiety and agitation. Allow plenty of time for them to process information and respond.
Getting too close or touching without consent: Some individuals with dementia may lose their sense of personal space. Approaching from the front is less startling than coming up from behind. Always be mindful of their comfort level with physical contact.
Dismissing or ignoring their emotions: Even if their words are confusing, the emotions they express are real. Invalidating their feelings by ignoring or dismissing them can cause distress. Acknowledge the emotion first, such as saying, "I can see you're feeling upset," before attempting to address the situation.
Having a tense or angry tone: The emotional delivery of your message can be more impactful than the words themselves. Speaking with a tense or angry tone will likely be upsetting for the person and escalate the situation. Always strive for a calm and reassuring tone of voice.

Inappropriate Caregiver Responses

How a caregiver responds to challenging situations is just as important as the words and actions they avoid. Certain responses are counterproductive and can harm the person with dementia.

Overloading with too much information: Providing too many instructions or long, complex sentences can be confusing for a person with slowed cognitive processing. Keep instructions simple and deliver them one step at a time.
Taking their words personally: Dementia can cause a person to lash out, use abusive language, or make false accusations. It is crucial to remember that this behavior is a symptom of the disease, not a personal attack. Try not to take it to heart, and focus on responding to the underlying need or emotion.
Neglecting their needs because they can't ask: Sometimes challenging behaviors or mood changes are a form of communication, signaling an unmet need like hunger, pain, or loneliness. It is inappropriate to assume they can't communicate and therefore don't need help. Pay close attention to non-verbal cues and consider the possible cause of their behavior.

Comparison of Inappropriate vs. Appropriate Communication


Inappropriate Approach	Appropriate Approach
"Remember what we did yesterday?"	"I remember our walk yesterday. It was a beautiful day."
"No, that didn't happen."	"It sounds like that was a happy memory for you. Tell me more."
"I just told you that five minutes ago!"	Repeat information patiently and calmly, as if for the first time.
"Let's go have dinner, then watch your show, and then get ready for bed."	"It's time for dinner. Let's go to the dining room."
"Why are you so confused?"	"I can see you're feeling confused. It's okay. Let's take a deep breath."
Talking about the person in front of them.	Engaging the person directly or moving the conversation elsewhere.
"You're being lazy."	Explore potential causes for their behavior, such as fatigue or pain.
"I don't have time for this."	Recognize your own stress and seek a moment for a break or regrouping.

Resources for Continued Learning

Effective communication with a person with dementia is an ongoing learning process. Caregivers are encouraged to seek additional resources, such as support groups, educational seminars, and online guides. The Alzheimer's Society provides valuable information and courses for family caregivers, which can equip you with the skills and patience needed for this complex journey. Continuing to educate yourself is one of the most compassionate and proactive steps you can take.

Conclusion

Navigating communication with a person who has dementia requires empathy, patience, and a deep understanding of what behaviors and phrases to avoid. By refraining from correcting them, arguing, or using condescending language, and instead focusing on validation, simple instructions, and non-verbal cues, caregivers can foster a more peaceful and respectful environment. Prioritizing their emotional well-being over factual accuracy preserves their dignity and reduces agitation, strengthening your connection with your loved one throughout their journey.

Frequently Asked Questions

Correcting a person with dementia can lead to frustration, confusion, and agitation because their brain is unable to process and accept logical reasoning in the same way it once could. Validating their feelings and reality is often a more compassionate approach.

It is inappropriate to say, "I just told you that." Instead, respond patiently and calmly, as if it is the first time the question has been asked. Remember that their short-term memory is affected, and they are likely not aware they are repeating themselves.

Do not argue or confront them. Acknowledge their feelings and offer reassurance. You can calmly offer to help look for the missing item or simply say, "I hear that you are upset about this. Let's see if we can sort it out."

No, using terms like 'sweetie' or 'honey' is considered patronizing and infantilizing, which can be disrespectful. It is best to use their preferred name to maintain their dignity and self-respect.

Avoid giving too much information at once. Speak in simple, short sentences, and deliver instructions one step at a time. Allowing plenty of time for them to process and respond is also crucial to prevent frustration.

Reminding a person with dementia about a death can cause them to experience the painful news as if for the first time. Instead of correcting them, it is often more compassionate to gently redirect the conversation or reminisce about positive memories of that person.

Yes, it is inappropriate and disrespectful. Even if a person with dementia seems withdrawn, they may still be aware of their surroundings. You should always treat them with respect and include them in conversations about their own care or life.

References

Medical Disclaimer

This content is for informational purposes only and should not replace professional medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider regarding personal health decisions.