What to say to a person in a nursing home?

According to a 2021 study, a staggering number of residents in nursing homes experience loneliness and social isolation, emphasizing the critical role of meaningful visits. Knowing what to say to a person in a nursing home can make a significant difference in their emotional well-being and sense of connection.

Quick Summary

Meaningful conversations with a person in a nursing home involve empathy, active listening, and topics that evoke positive memories and acknowledge their identity. Tailor your communication to their emotional state and focus on shared experiences to build a supportive and comforting connection.

Key Points

• Empathy is Key: Approach conversations with empathy and patience, and manage your expectations for the visit's outcome.

• Practice Active Listening: Listen intently to your loved one without interruption, and validate their feelings to show their worth.

• Use Reminiscence: Use old photos, music, or stories to trigger positive memories and engage them in a meaningful way.

• Validate Difficult Emotions: When faced with difficult emotions like wanting to "go home," acknowledge their feelings and gently redirect the conversation rather than correcting them.

• Maintain Connection: Use technology, cards, and involve family and staff to ensure consistent connection and communication, even when you aren't physically present.

• Respect and Dignity: Always treat your loved one and other residents as adults, and avoid condescending or overly familiar language.

• Focus on Shared Experiences: Talk about hobbies, favorite things, and past events to keep the conversation positive and engaging.

Approaching Your Visit with Empathy and Preparation

Before you say a single word, your approach sets the tone for the entire visit. Entering with warmth and patience creates a comfortable and receptive environment. Adjust your expectations, understanding that health conditions, time of day, and emotional state can influence their reactions. The goal isn't to force a perfect interaction, but to show that you care and are present.

Prioritize Active Listening

One of the most valuable things you can do is to listen with intent. Many nursing home residents feel isolated and just need someone to hear them. Allow them to express their feelings, frustrations, or fears without interruption. Instead of immediately offering solutions, validate their emotions with phrases like, "That sounds really difficult," or "I can't imagine what that's like, but I'm here for you". This validates their sense of worth and strengthens your bond.

Use Positive Language and Tone

Your tone of voice and body language are powerful communicators. Speak clearly, at a normal pace, and at eye level. Avoid a condescending or overly familiar tone, which can be perceived as disrespectful. If they have hearing issues, face them directly so they can read lips and pick up visual cues. Focus on positive and uplifting language, and remember that sitting quietly together can be just as meaningful as conversation.

The Power of Reminiscence

Talking about the past is a powerful tool for connection, especially for individuals with cognitive changes. This technique, known as structured reminiscence, can spark joy and help them feel valued. Ask open-ended questions about their life, such as their favorite childhood memory, first job, or how they met their spouse. Bring props like old photo albums or mementos to trigger pleasant memories. Documenting their stories can also be a profound and lasting gift.

Practical Conversation Starters

Sometimes, silence can feel awkward. Preparing a few simple conversation starters can help. Focus on their interests, current and past. This also helps you avoid repetitive small talk about the weather.

• Hobbies and Interests: "What have you been enjoying doing lately?" or "I saw a documentary about a famous painter; did you ever paint?"
• Favorite Things: "What's the best book you've read recently?" or "What's your favorite song?"
• Everyday Life: "What did you have for lunch today?" or "Have you made any new friends here?"
• Simple Observations: "That's a beautiful flower in the garden. Do you know what kind it is?"

Navigating Difficult Topics and Emotional Responses

Conversations aren't always easy. Some days, your loved one may be agitated, sad, or express a strong desire to go home. Your response in these moments is crucial.

When They Say "I Want to Go Home"

For those with memory loss, this phrase often represents a feeling of insecurity or anxiety, not a literal request to leave.

1. Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their emotion without arguing. "It sounds like you feel uncomfortable right now."
2. Agree and Redirect: Gently agree with their sentiment before redirecting the conversation. "That's a good idea. Let's go soon, but first, can you help me with this photo album?".
3. Offer Comfort: Provide a hug, a gentle touch on the arm, or offer a comfort object like a soft blanket.

Addressing Feelings of Loneliness or Sadness

It's important to approach these emotions with compassion rather than trying to fix them. Sometimes, simply acknowledging their feelings can be enough. Remind them of your ongoing presence and support, and reassure them that their feelings are valid. You can say, "I know it can get lonely, but I'm going to keep coming to see you."

Fostering Continued Connection Outside of Visits

Your support doesn't end when you leave the facility. There are many ways to keep your loved one connected and engaged, reinforcing that they are a vital part of your family.

• Technology: Set up regular video calls with other family members. This keeps them connected with those who can't visit in person.
• Mail: Send postcards, letters, or cards. Receiving mail is often a highlight of the day.
• Involve the Family: Ensure other family members are informed of the move and encourage them to send messages or visit.
• Involve Staff: Share your loved one's interests with the staff. Knowing their hobbies, like a love for Broadway musicals, can help staff engage them in meaningful ways.

Communication Dos and Don'ts

Do	Don't
Listen actively without interrupting.	Rush them or finish their sentences.
Speak clearly and at eye level.	Shout or use 'elderspeak'.
Validate their feelings with empathy.	Give unwanted advice or criticize.
Use reminiscence with old photos or stories.	Correct them about the past or present.
Bring familiar items or mementos.	Talk over them or to other visitors only.
Visit consistently to provide stability.	Make the visit about your own guilt or sadness.
Plan simple activities like listening to music or puzzles.	Overwhelm them with too many people or activities.
Respect their autonomy and dignity.	Talk about difficult or stressful topics.

Conclusion: The Gift of Presence

Ultimately, what you say is less important than your genuine presence. A person in a nursing home needs to feel seen, heard, and valued, and your visit is a powerful way to reinforce that they are not forgotten. By practicing patience, empathy, and active listening, you can navigate conversations, even difficult ones, and create moments of connection that are treasured for years to come. Your consistent presence and thoughtful communication will provide comfort and stability during a significant life transition. The connection you maintain is a testament to your relationship and a profound act of love and respect. For further guidance on supporting a loved one, resources such as those from the National Institute on Aging can be invaluable. https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/health-care-professionals-information/talking-your-older-patients

Frequently Asked Questions

What if they don't seem to remember me?

If they don't remember you, introduce yourself gently and remind them of your connection without demanding recognition. Focus on creating positive moments in the present, as your genuine warmth is what will be remembered on an emotional level, even if the facts aren't retained.

What are good topics to talk about during a visit?

Good topics include their childhood, first job, favorite things (food, music, movies), family memories, hobbies, and simple observations about their day. Use open-ended questions to encourage conversation.

How do I handle a loved one who seems sad or agitated?

Stay calm and compassionate. Acknowledge their emotions by saying things like, "I can see you're feeling down today." Offer physical comfort like holding their hand if appropriate, or redirect the conversation to a more pleasant topic.

Is it okay to talk to them about their health?

It's best to keep health conversations positive and led by them. Avoid dwelling on ailments. If they bring it up, listen and empathize, but redirect to happier topics. For serious medical discussions, talk to the staff or doctor separately.

How can I stay connected if I can't visit often?

Utilize technology like video calls or phone calls. Sending cards, letters, or packages is also a powerful way to show you're thinking of them. Involve other family members to create a robust communication network.

Should I bring gifts during my visits?

Small, meaningful gifts can be wonderful. Consider bringing flowers, a favorite treat (check dietary restrictions), a new photo for their room, or a book. Familiar objects from home can also provide comfort.

What should I do if my loved one says they want to leave?

When they express a desire to leave, it often signals anxiety. Agree with them to soothe their feelings, then immediately redirect them to a comforting activity. Avoid reasoning or explaining why they can't leave, as this can increase agitation.

How long should my visits be?

There's no set rule, but it's often best to keep visits consistent and to a comfortable length. Some seniors tire easily. Consider their energy levels and mood. Quality time, even for a short period, is more important than a long, strained visit.