What to say when visiting someone with dementia? A compassionate guide

Over 6 million Americans live with Alzheimer's disease, and many more are affected by other forms of dementia. For family and friends, understanding what to say when visiting someone with dementia is essential for maintaining a meaningful connection, fostering comfort, and reducing stress during visits.

Quick Summary

Effective communication with a loved one with dementia involves patience and empathy, focusing on simple language and their feelings rather than correcting memories. Introduce yourself clearly, use positive body language, and join their reality to ensure a reassuring and positive visit.

Key Points

• Validate Feelings: Focus on validating the emotional state of the person, rather than correcting their factual inaccuracies.

• Keep it Simple: Use short, clear, and easy-to-understand sentences to avoid overwhelming or confusing them.

• Nonverbal is Key: Your tone, facial expressions, and body language often communicate more than your words. Stay calm and positive.

• Embrace Their Reality: Instead of trying to pull them into your reality, step into theirs to reduce anxiety and prevent arguments.

• Prepare for the Visit: Minimize environmental distractions and plan simple, enjoyable activities to facilitate connection.

Understanding Communication Changes in Dementia

Dementia is not a single disease but a general term for the impaired ability to remember, think, or make decisions that interfere with daily life. It is crucial to understand that changes in communication are a symptom of the disease, not a sign of stubbornness or willful ignorance. As the disease progresses, the brain's ability to process information and recall memories is affected, impacting how a person communicates and understands language.

The Progressive Nature of the Disease

Symptoms of dementia evolve over time. In early stages, a person might struggle with finding the right word. In later stages, speech may become disorganized, limited, or nonexistent. Your loved one's communication abilities may also fluctuate from day to day, making it important to adapt your approach with every visit.

Before You Arrive: Preparing for a Visit

Being prepared can significantly improve the quality of your visit. A little planning goes a long way in creating a calm and positive environment for both of you.

What to Know About Their Day

Check with the caregiver or facility staff about your loved one's schedule and mood. There may be a 'better time' of day for visiting, such as after breakfast or before a nap. Knowing this can increase the chances of a successful interaction.

Minimizing Distractions

Choose a quiet room for your visit and turn off the television or radio. A busy or noisy environment can easily overwhelm and agitate a person with dementia, making communication much more difficult. Limit the number of people visiting at one time to keep the focus calm and singular.

What to Say: Communication Strategies for Connection

Communication with a person with dementia often requires a shift in focus from logical conversation to emotional connection. Your presence and reassurance are more valuable than any factual discussion.

Use Short, Simple Phrases

Keep your sentences short, direct, and easy to understand. Instead of a long monologue, use simple phrases like, "It's good to see you," or "You look well." This reduces the cognitive load on your loved one.

Focus on Feelings, Not Facts

Emotional memory often lasts longer than factual memory. Rather than asking about specific events they may not recall, focus on feelings. For instance, if they mention an old memory, respond to the emotion behind the story, saying, "That sounds like it was a happy time," even if the details are mixed up.

Reassure and Validate Their Reality

If they express anxiety or confusion, reassure them that they are safe and cared for. If they talk about a reality that doesn't align with yours—for example, a loved one who has passed away is still alive—do not correct them. Instead, enter their reality and validate their feelings. The goal is to bring comfort, not to win an argument.

Using Statements Instead of Questions

Open-ended questions like "What did you do today?" can be stressful because they require memory recall. Statements, on the other hand, are less demanding. Try saying, "It's a beautiful day outside," and see if they respond. This allows for conversation to flow naturally without pressure.

Beyond Words: The Power of Nonverbal Communication

As verbal skills decline, nonverbal communication becomes increasingly important. Your body language, tone, and touch can convey safety and affection even when words fail.

The Importance of Eye Contact

Maintain gentle eye contact to show you are engaged and listening. Sit at their eye level to create a more intimate and less intimidating connection.

Using Touch and Proximity

If appropriate for your relationship, a gentle touch on the arm, a hand-hold, or a warm hug can provide immense comfort and reassurance. Always observe their reaction to ensure they are receptive to physical contact.

Smile and Mirror Their Mood

Your facial expressions and tone of voice are powerful tools. Approach them with a gentle smile and a calm, soft voice. If they seem calm, mirroring that calm can be comforting. If they are distressed, a soothing voice can help de-escalate the situation.

Comparison Table: Communication Dos and Don'ts

Do	Don't
Use short, simple sentences.	Ask complex, open-ended questions.
Validate their feelings and reality.	Correct or argue with them.
Introduce yourself gently.	Say, "Don't you remember me?"
Offer simple, present-focused activities.	Force them to recall past events.
Keep your tone calm and reassuring.	Show frustration or impatience.
Use gentle, appropriate touch.	Overwhelm them with physical contact.

Conclusion

Visiting someone with dementia can be a journey of adapting your communication style. The key is to focus on compassion, patience, and emotional connection rather than relying on perfect conversations or memory recall. Your presence and love are what truly matter. For more comprehensive guidance on communicating with a loved one with dementia, refer to resources like the Alzheimers.gov website.

Remember that while dementia changes a person, their need for love and connection remains. By adjusting your communication, you can continue to build on the foundation of your relationship, ensuring that your visits are filled with warmth, reassurance, and meaningful moments.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if they don't remember who I am?

Gently reintroduce yourself each time, for example, "Hi, it's Jane, your daughter." Avoid asking, "Don't you remember me?" to prevent embarrassment or distress.

Should I correct them if they say something factually wrong?

It is generally best to avoid correcting them. It can cause frustration. Instead, validate their feelings and gently redirect the conversation.

Is it okay to use touch during the visit?

Gentle, non-threatening touch like holding a hand or a warm hug can be very reassuring, depending on the person and the context. Always observe their reaction to ensure they are receptive to physical contact.

What if they keep repeating the same story or question?

Respond with patience and kindness each time. You can also try a gentle distraction, like showing them a photo or offering a small snack.

How long should the visit last?

Keep visits relatively short, especially if the person seems to tire easily. A shorter, positive visit is more beneficial than a longer, stressful one.

What can we do if conversation is difficult?

Shared activities like looking at a photo album, listening to music, or doing a simple craft can be more effective for connecting than relying solely on verbal exchange.

Is it better to ask questions or make statements?

Making simple statements is often more effective than asking complex, open-ended questions that rely on memory. For example, say, "It's a beautiful day," rather than, "What did you do today?"