Don't Argue or Correct
One of the most common pitfalls caregivers fall into is trying to reason with or correct a person with dementia. Their reality is different, and arguing with them is not only futile but also distressing. Instead of bringing them into your reality, it is more effective and compassionate to meet them where they are emotionally. For instance, if they insist a loved one who has passed away is still alive, arguing the facts can reintroduce grief and pain. A better approach is to respond to their underlying emotion—perhaps they are feeling lonely and missing that person—and offer comfort and reassurance. Challenging their perceptions can lead to arguments, agitation, and a breakdown of trust.
Don't Ask Too Many Questions at Once
Processing information becomes difficult for people with dementia, especially as the disease progresses. Bombarding them with multiple questions or offering too many options at once can lead to confusion and frustration. This is particularly true for open-ended questions like, "What would you like for dinner?". The brain's ability to retrieve information is compromised, so providing a lengthy list of choices is overwhelming. Instead, simplify communication by asking one question at a time and offering limited options. For example, a simple, "Would you like chicken or fish?" is far more manageable than a longer, open-ended query.
Don't Talk About Them as if They Aren't There
It is deeply disrespectful and dehumanizing to speak about a person with dementia to others as if they are not in the room. Despite their cognitive impairments, they are still capable of sensing and understanding social cues and emotional tones. This can cause feelings of exclusion, hurt, and isolation. Even if they cannot fully comprehend a conversation, they often pick up on the tone and context. Always include them in conversations, address them directly, and maintain eye contact. Showing them respect and dignity, regardless of their condition, is paramount.
Don't Use Patronizing Language or "Elderspeak"
Using a high-pitched, sing-song voice, or calling them by infantilizing pet names like "deary" or "honey," is demeaning. This style of speech, known as elderspeak, treats a person like a child and undermines their dignity. Maintain a normal, respectful tone of voice, even if you need to speak more slowly and clearly. Adjusting your expectations, not your tone, is the key to respectful communication. A person with dementia is still an adult who deserves to be treated with respect.
Comparison of Effective vs. Ineffective Communication
| Ineffective Communication (Don'ts) | Effective Communication (Do's) |
|---|---|
| Asking: "Do you remember what you had for lunch?" (Tests short-term memory) | Stating: "I remember we had soup for lunch. It was delicious." (Shares a memory, doesn't test) |
| Correcting: "No, that's not true. That didn't happen." (Causes distress) | Validating: "I understand you're upset. Let's look for it together." (Focuses on emotion, not facts) |
| Rushing: "Hurry up, we need to go now!" (Creates anxiety) | Slowing Down: "Let's take our time. There's no rush." (Reduces pressure) |
| Using Long Sentences: "First, we'll get your coat, then your shoes, and then we'll go to the car." (Overwhelming) | Using Simple Steps: "Let's put your coat on first." (Gives one direction at a time) |
Don't Take It Personally
It can be heartbreaking when a person with dementia says or does something hurtful, or no longer recognizes you. It is vital to remember that these actions and words are symptoms of the disease, not a reflection of their true feelings or a deliberate attempt to be cruel. The disease impacts their judgment and impulse control, and their behavior is not a personal attack. By not taking it personally, you can avoid feeling resentment and maintain your compassion. If you feel your frustration rising, it is acceptable to step away for a moment to calm yourself before re-engaging.
Don't Interrupt or Finish Their Sentences
When a person with dementia struggles to find the right word, it can be tempting to jump in and complete their sentence. However, interrupting them can break their train of thought and make them feel rushed, frustrated, or incompetent. Give them plenty of time to respond, even if the silence feels uncomfortable. Showing patience and waiting for them to finish their thoughts demonstrates respect and can encourage them to continue trying to communicate. Nonverbal cues like nodding and eye contact can help to show you are listening actively and attentively.
Don't Dismiss Their Feelings
People with dementia can still experience a wide range of emotions, such as sadness, fear, or anxiety. Dismissing their feelings or telling them there is nothing to worry about can invalidate their experience and cause greater distress. Acknowledging and validating their feelings is far more helpful. For example, you can say, "I see you're feeling scared," to show that their emotions are recognized and respected. Focusing on the emotion behind the words, rather than the facts of the situation, can help you provide genuine comfort and support.
Conclusion
Navigating communication with a person with dementia requires patience, empathy, and a shift in perspective. By avoiding arguments, correcting, and testing memory, you can create a more positive and respectful environment. Instead, focus on validating their feelings, simplifying language, and using a calm, reassuring tone. Remembering that their behavior and words are a symptom of their disease, not a personal failing, is crucial for both their well-being and your own. Understanding these "don'ts" is a vital step toward maintaining a meaningful and compassionate connection with your loved one throughout their journey. For further resources and support, consider visiting the Alzheimer's Association website.
