Why Words Matter When Communicating with Dementia
Communication with a person who has dementia involves understanding that their reality is different from yours. Arguments over facts or recent events are unproductive and can cause significant distress and agitation for your loved one. The key is to connect with them emotionally, not logically. Focusing on their feelings, providing reassurance, and creating a calm, validating environment is the most effective approach.
Phrases to Immediately Stop Using
Don't Argue or Correct Them
When a parent with dementia says something that is factually incorrect, your first instinct might be to correct them. However, for a person with a memory-impairing disease, this is counterproductive. Telling them "That's not true" or "You're wrong" will not fix their perception. It will only make them feel embarrassed, anxious, and defensive. Instead, focus on the emotion they are expressing. If they say they need to get to work, respond to the underlying feeling of purpose rather than the inaccurate statement about their job.
Don't Quiz Their Memory
Asking a person with dementia questions like "Don't you remember?" or "I already told you that" can be hurtful. It emphasizes their cognitive deficit, a struggle they are already very aware of on some level. Instead of asking them to recall information, provide the information in a simple statement. For example, rather than asking, "Do you remember what we did yesterday?", you could say, "I had such a nice time with you at the park yesterday."
Don't Use Complicated Language
Long, multi-step instructions or complex sentences are difficult for a person with dementia to process. Their ability to retain and process new information is compromised. Breaking down requests into simple, single-step commands makes it easier for them to understand and cooperate. Instead of "Let's get dressed and then go for a walk outside," try saying, "Let's put on your shoes." After that is complete, follow up with, "Now, let's go for a walk."
Handling Sensitive Topics with Care
The Topic of Deceased Loved Ones
It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to ask about a spouse or family member who has passed away. Reminding them of the death can cause them to relive the grief of the loss. For some, this can be an endless and painful loop. While honesty is generally important, a compassionate approach is best here. Instead of stating the fact of death, use redirection or engage in a positive memory. For example, if they ask where their late husband is, you could say, "He is not here right now, but do you remember the beautiful flower garden you two planted together?"
The Dangers of 'Elderspeak'
Often unintentionally, caregivers and family members can slip into "elderspeak"—a condescending style of talking that resembles baby talk. Using a high-pitched, exaggerated tone and calling them pet names like "sweetie" or "honey" can feel infantilizing and disrespectful. Always speak to your parent as the adult they are, using a normal tone of voice and respectful language. Your respect for them as a person with a lifetime of experience should always be evident in your speech and body language.
Ineffective vs. Effective Communication Approaches
| Ineffective Approach (What Not to Say) | Effective Approach (What to Say/Do Instead) |
|---|---|
| "You're wrong, that didn't happen." | "I understand you feel that way." (Validate feelings) |
| "Don't you remember?" | "I had a great time with you when we..." (Share a memory) |
| "I just told you that." | "It's okay, let's talk about it again." (Patient repetition) |
| "We have to do this now." | "Would you like tea or water?" (Offer simple choices) |
| "Where is [deceased person]?" | "He's not here, but let's look at some old photos." (Redirect respectfully) |
| "It's not that difficult." | "Let's do this step by step together." (Break down tasks) |
Creating a Calming and Supportive Environment
Use Positive Body Language and Tone
Your non-verbal cues are just as important as your words. A positive, reassuring tone of voice, a warm smile, and gentle touch can communicate safety and affection more effectively than speech. Keep your body language open and relaxed. Approaching from the front and making eye contact (at their eye level if they are sitting) is vital for ensuring they feel acknowledged and respected.
Minimize Distractions
A chaotic or noisy environment can easily overstimulate a person with dementia. Loud music, a television, or too many people talking at once can make it difficult for them to focus and understand what you are saying. When you want to have a conversation, find a quiet space with minimal background noise. This will create a calmer setting that helps them concentrate and reduces anxiety.
The Power of Reminiscence
Beyond just avoiding certain phrases, actively using reminiscence can be a powerful tool for connection. Since long-term memory is often more intact than short-term memory, talking about the past can be comforting and joyful. Use old photos, favorite music, or familiar objects to spark conversation. This is not a memory test but a shared journey into the past, where they can feel confident and capable. This approach fosters a positive emotional connection and reinforces their sense of self.
Remember, your parent's identity is not defined by their dementia. The person you love is still there, beneath the confusion. By adapting your communication style, you can find new ways to connect and show your love and support. For additional resources and support, you can visit the Alzheimer's Association.
Conclusion: Focus on Connection, Not Correction
Navigating communication with a parent with dementia requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to adapt. By avoiding hurtful or frustrating phrases and adopting compassionate, validating techniques, you can foster a more peaceful and loving relationship. Remember to meet your parent in their reality, focus on their feelings, and use simple, positive communication to build and maintain connection, even as their cognitive abilities change.
