Common Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
When caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's, words hold immense power. Avoiding certain phrases and communication habits can prevent unnecessary stress and hurt feelings. While it's natural to get frustrated, remembering that the disease, not the person, is causing these issues is paramount.
Don't Argue or Contradict
One of the most important rules is to never argue or correct a person with Alzheimer's. Their reality is different from yours, and attempting to force your version of reality on them will only lead to agitation and distress. Instead of insisting they are wrong, validate their feelings and focus on the emotion behind their words. For instance, if they say they need to go home, and they are already home, acknowledge their feeling of wanting comfort and belonging. You can respond with, "It sounds like you feel most comfortable at home. We are right here, and you are safe."
Avoid Testing Their Memory
Phrases that test their memory are unhelpful and can cause humiliation. Avoid asking, "Do you remember when...?" or "Who is this person?". The inability to recall is a core symptom of the disease, and quizzing them can make them feel embarrassed and inadequate. Instead, share your own memories or provide context without putting them on the spot. For example, when looking at an old photo, say, "This is a picture of your son, Mark. I remember we all had so much fun that day at the beach."
Refrain from Using Long, Complex Sentences
As cognitive function declines, the ability to process complex information decreases. Long, multi-part sentences can be overwhelming and confusing. Instead, use short, simple sentences and give one instruction at a time. Rather than saying, "First we are going to go get your coat, then we'll walk to the car and go to the store to get some milk," try, "Let's get your coat." Wait for them to complete that task, then say, "Now we'll walk to the car."
Don't Say "I Already Told You"
It's frustrating to repeat information, but telling a person with Alzheimer's that you've already said something is hurtful. They have truly forgotten. Patience is key. When they repeat a question, respond with the same kind and calm tone as if it were the first time they asked. Reminding them of their memory lapses only adds to their distress.
The Negative Impact of Words
Using language that diminishes a person's dignity can be incredibly damaging. The table below compares common, harmful phrases with more compassionate alternatives.
| What to Avoid (Negative) | What to Say (Compassionate) |
|---|---|
| "You're wrong." | "That's an interesting thought." |
| "Remember, I just told you that." | Repeat the information gently. |
| "You're being difficult." | "It seems like something is bothering you." |
| "Why can't you just...?" | "Let's try this together." |
| "You'll be fine, just forget about it." | "It's okay, we'll work through this together." |
Shifting Your Approach: What to Do Instead
Instead of focusing on what not to do, shifting your mindset to proactive, positive communication can transform your interactions. Here are some techniques to adopt.
Practice Validation Therapy
Validation therapy involves acknowledging and respecting the feelings and reality of the person with dementia, without attempting to correct them. If they are upset about something that doesn't make sense, validate their feeling. "I can see that you're very worried about that" is more effective than trying to rationalize their fear away. This technique helps reduce anxiety and builds trust.
Redirect and Distract
When a conversation or fixation becomes distressing, redirection is a powerful tool. Change the subject to something pleasant or engaging. For example, if they insist on seeing a deceased family member, you can say, "That sounds like a wonderful memory. How about we look at some old photo albums?"
Use Positive Body Language and Tone
Non-verbal communication is just as important as verbal. Maintain a calm and pleasant tone of voice. Get down to their eye level when speaking to them to show respect and make it easier for them to focus on you. Use gentle and reassuring physical touch, like holding their hand, if appropriate.
Create a Calm and Simple Environment
Communication is about more than just words. A chaotic or over-stimulating environment can make it difficult for someone with Alzheimer's to focus and process information. Limit distractions like loud TV or music during conversations. A quiet, calm space promotes clearer communication and reduces anxiety.
Acknowledge Feelings, Not Facts
Focus on the emotion behind a statement rather than the accuracy of the content. If your loved one is sad about something, addressing the sadness is far more compassionate and productive than correcting the historical inaccuracy of their statement. This helps the person feel heard and understood, even if their memory is failing them.
The Importance of Person-First Language
It is vital to use respectful, person-first language. Instead of referring to someone as "demented" or "an Alzheimer's patient," say "a person living with dementia" or "a person with Alzheimer's disease." This emphasizes the individual's humanity over their condition. Avoid infantilizing language or pet names like "honey" or "sweetie," which can be disrespectful.
Conclusion: Fostering Compassion Through Communication
Communicating with someone who has Alzheimer's can be challenging, but understanding what not to say is the first step toward building a more empathetic and effective relationship. By avoiding arguments, memory tests, and complex language, and instead adopting validation, redirection, and a calm demeanor, caregivers can create a more peaceful and respectful environment. Remember to always treat the individual with dignity, focusing on their emotional well-being over factual accuracy. For further resources and support, please visit the Alzheimer's Association website.
