What do you say to someone who wants to go home with dementia in care?

Oct 15, 2025 5 min read •

senior care Healthy Aging dementia

For those with dementia, the feeling of needing to 'go home' is often a deeper need for comfort, security, and the familiar. Statistics show that this behavior, often referred to as 'sundowning,' becomes more common as cognitive decline progresses, with up to 66% of individuals with dementia experiencing this increased confusion and anxiety in the late afternoon and evening. Knowing what to say to someone who wants to go home with dementia in care requires a gentle, reassuring approach.

Quick Summary

Instead of arguing or correcting them, caregivers can validate the person's feelings and then use redirection, distraction, and compassionate communication to address the underlying emotions of anxiety or fear. Staying calm and focused on their emotional need for comfort, rather than the literal request, is key to managing this common challenge.

Key Points

Validate Feelings, Don't Argue: When a person with dementia says they want to go home, acknowledge and validate the feeling of wanting comfort or familiarity rather than trying to use logic to correct them.
Redirection and Distraction are Key: Gently distract them with a pleasant, low-stress activity like looking at old photo albums, listening to music, or going for a short walk.
Focus on Underlying Emotions: The request is often a cry for comfort, safety, or to alleviate anxiety. Address the feeling, not the literal words.
Maintain a Calm and Reassuring Tone: Your body language and voice are more important than your words. Stay calm and use a soothing voice to de-escalate their agitation.
Establish a Consistent Routine: Predictable daily schedules can reduce confusion and provide a sense of security, especially during late-afternoon "sundowning" periods.
Look for Environmental Triggers: Check if they are hungry, tired, in pain, or overstimulated by their environment. Addressing these physical needs can alleviate the underlying cause of their distress.
Prepare for Non-Recognition: If they don't recognize you, don't take it personally. Respond to their emotional need for safety and comfort in their current reality, without explaining the truth.

Understanding the Emotion Behind the Request

When a person with dementia asks to go home, they are not simply expressing a desire to leave. The word 'home' often symbolizes safety, comfort, and familiarity. The individual may be feeling confused, disoriented, or scared by their current environment, triggering a deeply ingrained need for the security of a past home. Attempting to use logic or reason—explaining that they are already in a safe place or have lived there for years—is counterproductive. It will only increase their agitation, as their cognitive function prevents them from processing new information in a logical way.

Strategies for Responding with Compassion

Effective communication with a person with dementia requires meeting them in their reality, not pulling them into yours. Your tone of voice, body language, and approach are far more important than your words. Maintain a calm, soothing demeanor and use gentle, non-threatening gestures, such as a reassuring touch on the arm or shoulder.

Validate and Reassure

This is the most critical first step. Acknowledging their feelings shows that you hear and care about them. You are not agreeing with their request to leave, but with the emotion behind it. Simple phrases can make a huge difference:

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. Tell me about your home."
"I understand you want to go home. You're feeling safe with me, though."
"It's a good plan. We'll be going soon, I promise."

Redirect and Distract

After validating their feelings, gently pivot the conversation or attention toward another activity. This isn't about tricking them, but about shifting their focus from an anxious thought to a comforting one. Have a 'distraction kit' ready with items or activities you know they enjoy.

Redirecting conversation:

Ask them to reminisce about their childhood home. "What was your favorite room in that house?"
Change the subject completely. "Would you like a warm cup of tea? I'm just making some now."

Distracting with activity:

Engage them with a simple task, like folding laundry or looking at a photo album.
Turn on some familiar music from their younger years.
Suggest a pleasant, low-stress activity like going for a short walk.

Explore the Meaning of "Home"

Sometimes, asking the person what they mean by "home" can reveal a deeper need. Often, "home" refers to a specific time or place where they felt happy and secure.

"When you say you want to go home, what does it look like?"
"Tell me about the people at your home. Who is there?"
"What did you used to do when you were at home?"

This approach helps them articulate the feeling they are experiencing rather than getting stuck on the literal command to leave.

Responding in Different Situations

The most effective response can vary depending on the person's state of mind and the context of the request. Below is a comparison of different scenarios and appropriate responses.


Situation	Ineffective Response (to avoid)	Compassionate Response (to use)
Mild Anxiety	"You're fine. This is your home now."	"I understand you're feeling a bit unsettled. Let's look at this photo album from when you were younger."
Late-Day Confusion (Sundowning)	"Stop saying that. We did this yesterday."	"You sound tired. It's almost time to relax for the evening. Let's find your favorite blanket."
Agitation	"I already told you, we can't go."	"I can see you're upset. I'm right here with you. Let's find a quiet place to sit down."
Repetitive Question	"You just asked me that ten minutes ago."	"That's a good thought. How about we get a snack before we think about that more?"

When a Loved One Doesn't Recognize You

It can be incredibly painful when a parent or spouse with dementia asks to go home to find you, but no longer recognizes you. It's important to remember that this isn't personal; it is the disease. The kindest thing you can do is meet them in their reality and provide comfort without challenging their current memory.

Stay in their moment. If they ask for their son, and you are their son, you can say, "He'll be here soon." This prevents distress while still reassuring them. You are providing the emotional security they are seeking.
Respond with affection. Offering a gentle, comforting touch or a hug (if appropriate) can communicate care without needing words.
Focus on the feeling. If they are scared, focus on that fear. "You seem worried. Let's sit together for a bit and listen to some music."

Practical Tips for Managing Care

Managing this behavior is a long-term journey, not a single event. Here are some practical steps caregivers can take:

Maintain a Consistent Routine: Predictable schedules for meals, bathing, and activities can provide a sense of stability and reduce anxiety.
Create a Soothing Environment: Reduce noise and clutter, use soft lighting, and incorporate familiar objects and photographs. These familiar sensory cues can evoke positive memories and promote a feeling of safety.
Keep a Log: Track when the person most frequently asks to go home. Patterns often emerge, such as during 'sundowning' hours. This helps caregivers proactively plan a distracting activity for that time of day.
Ensure Physical Comfort: Make sure the person isn't hungry, thirsty, too hot or cold, or in pain. Unaddressed physical discomfort can often manifest as agitation.

Conclusion: Finding the Love in the Logic

At the heart of the request to go home is a deep need for security and comfort. For caregivers, the logical impulse is to correct and explain, but that approach ignores the powerful emotional driver behind the words. By validating their feelings, offering reassurance, and using gentle redirection, you can de-escalate their anxiety and transform a difficult moment into an opportunity for loving connection. The journey with dementia is challenging, but understanding and responding with empathy can make all the difference for both the person in care and their loved ones. For more resources and support on communication techniques, the Alzheimer's Society offers excellent guidance on its website.

Key Takeaways for Compassionate Care

Validate feelings: Acknowledge the emotion behind the request for 'home' to reduce agitation.
Avoid reason: Do not argue or correct the person, as logical explanations increase confusion.
Redirect gently: Shift focus from the request to a pleasant, distracting activity, like looking at photos.
Provide reassurance: Use a calm voice and gentle touch to communicate safety and comfort.
Keep a routine: Consistent daily schedules help reduce anxiety and confusion, especially during sundowning.
Meet their reality: If they don't recognize you, respond to the emotion in their moment without forcing your reality.
Prepare distractions: Have a kit ready with familiar, comforting items like music or a soft blanket to use when needed.

Frequently Asked Questions

The request to 'go home' is not always a literal desire to leave, but an expression of a deeper emotional need for comfort, safety, or familiarity. As dementia affects the brain, the person may feel disoriented or anxious, and 'home' symbolizes a time when they felt secure and in control.

Avoid arguing or reasoning with them, as this increases frustration. Instead, validate their feelings by saying, 'That sounds like a good idea. Tell me about your home.' Then, gently redirect their attention to a pleasant, distracting activity.

Create a calming atmosphere during late afternoon and evening hours, such as lowering lights and playing soft music. Plan quiet, low-stimulation activities and ensure the person is not hungry or tired. Keeping a log of the timing can help you prepare for these periods.

Acknowledge the positive memory associated with that home. Ask them to describe it, or share a story about that time in their life. By joining their reality, you validate their feelings and turn a distressing request into a moment of connection.

Remain calm and give them space. Do not try to physically restrain them. Wait for the behavior to subside and then try a different, very simple distraction. It’s also crucial to identify potential triggers, such as pain or overstimulation, and remove them if possible.

Telling a person with dementia the truth, such as explaining that their old home is gone, can cause significant distress and agitation. Their disease prevents them from processing this information logically. It is often kinder to meet them in their reality with compassionate, gentle redirection.

Keep a "distraction kit" with favorite sensory items, photos, or music readily available. This allows for immediate distraction. You can also track the times the request occurs to preemptively offer a different activity before they become anxious.

Medical Disclaimer

This content is for informational purposes only and should not replace professional medical advice. Always consult a qualified healthcare provider regarding personal health decisions.