Understanding Generativity: Why do our elders give us advice?

According to a study by the University of Toronto, adults in their 60s who give advice feel their lives are more meaningful. This reveals a deep psychological need that helps explain why do our elders give us advice, driven by a desire for purpose and to pass on their wisdom.

Quick Summary

Elders often give advice to share lessons learned from a lifetime of experiences, fulfill a deep psychological need for generativity, and strengthen intergenerational bonds. It is a way for them to feel useful, valued, and to leave a positive legacy for future generations.

Key Points

• Generativity Drive: Elders give advice to fulfill Erik Erikson's generativity stage, seeking to make a lasting impact on future generations and feel a sense of purpose.

• Experienced-Based Wisdom: Their advice is often based on hard-earned wisdom from a lifetime of navigating mistakes, challenges, and successes, offering valuable perspective.

• Strengthening Family Bonds: Sharing advice and listening respectfully reinforces intergenerational relationships and strengthens family ties, countering feelings of isolation.

• Cultural Transmission: Elders pass down cultural values, traditions, and family history through their advice, acting as custodians of collective memory.

• Avoiding Past Mistakes: A key motivation is the genuine desire to help younger people avoid the same costly errors or painful lessons they learned the hard way.

• Legacy and Contribution: Providing guidance allows elders to leave a personal legacy and feel that their life's experiences have a continuing positive impact.

The Psychology Behind Elder Advice: Generativity

Psychologist Erik Erikson's theory of psychosocial development offers a crucial lens for understanding why older adults often feel compelled to share their knowledge. The seventh stage, known as 'Generativity vs. Stagnation,' typically occurs in middle adulthood but its influence resonates profoundly into later life. Generativity is the desire to nurture and guide the next generation, leaving a positive mark on the world. For many elders, offering advice is a primary way to achieve this.

Fulfilling a Need for Purpose

As individuals enter their later years, their roles in society may shift, and opportunities for traditional work or caregiving can decline. This can sometimes lead to a sense of stagnation, a feeling of being unproductive or uninvolved. To combat this, the act of giving advice provides a renewed sense of purpose and meaning. By sharing their stories and insights, elders remain active contributors to their families and communities. The guidance they offer is not just for the recipient's benefit; it also helps the giver feel significant and purposeful.

Sharing Hard-Earned Wisdom

Life experience is the most potent source of an elder's wisdom. Their advice is often a distillation of decades of triumphs, mistakes, and challenges. They have navigated difficult relationships, career changes, financial pressures, and personal losses. This wealth of practical knowledge is a valuable resource. When an elder gives advice, they are essentially trying to help a younger person avoid the same pitfalls they encountered. It is an act of care, an attempt to smooth the path for those who follow.

The Social Function of Advice

Beyond the individual psychological drivers, the act of giving advice plays a vital social role in intergenerational relationships and cultural continuity.

Strengthening Intergenerational Bonds

Good communication is the cornerstone of a strong family unit. The exchange of advice, when handled with respect, can deepen the connection between generations. When younger individuals listen to and consider an elder's counsel, it affirms the elder's value and strengthens their bond. It creates a shared history and understanding that fosters mutual respect. This kind of interaction is a core element of a healthy, functioning family, and it helps to prevent the isolation that many older adults can face.

Passing on Heritage and Culture

In many cultures, particularly Eastern ones, elders are revered as the guardians of tradition and knowledge. Their advice is not merely personal; it often carries the weight of family history, cultural values, and ancestral knowledge. They pass on lessons about resilience, patience, and the importance of community. This transmission of heritage is crucial for preserving a family's identity and providing younger generations with a sense of continuity and belonging. Even in more individualistic Western societies, elders play a key role in passing on family stories and values, which enriches the lives of their descendants.

The Challenge of Unsolicited Advice

While advice is often well-intentioned, it can sometimes be perceived as intrusive or critical, especially when unsolicited. Understanding the difference is key to navigating these conversations effectively.

A Comparison of Solicited vs. Unsolicited Advice

Aspect	Solicited Advice (Asked For)	Unsolicited Advice (Unasked For)
Reception	Generally welcomed and seen as helpful.	Can be perceived as condescending or critical.
Impact on Giver	Reinforces the elder's value and expertise.	Can damage the elder's reputation or relationships if not well-received.
Recipient's Feeling	Empowered, supported, respected.	Patronized, misunderstood, or defensive.
Underlying Intention	To genuinely help and share wisdom based on a clear request.	Varies, but can sometimes be rooted in anxiety or a subconscious need for control.
Relationship Impact	Strengthens bonds and trust.	Can cause tension and strain relationships.

Navigating Intergenerational Communication

1. Understand Communication Preferences: Younger generations often use different communication channels and have different expectations for feedback. Adapting to these preferences can reduce misunderstandings.
2. Use Empathy and Respect: Both parties should approach the conversation with empathy. The elder should remember their own struggles, while the younger person should respect the elder's years of experience.
3. Active Listening: The recipient should actively listen to the elder's advice to truly understand their perspective. This shows respect and can help identify the core wisdom within the counsel.
4. Offer a Different Perspective Respectfully: If the advice seems outdated, younger individuals can respectfully explain their differing viewpoint, acknowledging the elder's intent while providing a modern context. This can lead to a healthy exchange of ideas, not a conflict.

The Mutual Benefits of the Exchange

Ultimately, the act of giving and receiving advice is a symbiotic relationship that benefits both the giver and the recipient. The younger person gains access to a wealth of knowledge and a different perspective, while the elder experiences validation and a sense of purpose. For this dynamic to be successful, it requires patience, respect, and a willingness to learn from each other.

Older adults have a unique perspective on managing life's complexities and social conflicts, an ability that can even increase with age. Programs designed to facilitate intergenerational interaction, like those mentioned by the NIH, can formalize this exchange, ensuring the wisdom of elders continues to be a valuable resource for society. The goal is to move towards a more age-integrated society where both generations recognize and value the unique contributions each can offer.

It is through this intentional engagement that we can fully appreciate why do our elders give us advice. It's not just about telling us what to do; it's about sharing a part of themselves, their history, and their legacy with us, ensuring that their life's lessons continue to resonate long after they are gone.

Conclusion: Cherishing the Wisdom

The reasons our elders offer advice are rooted in a fundamental human need to be generative, to leave a meaningful legacy. It’s a testament to their love, care, and the deep reservoir of wisdom they have accumulated over a lifetime. While cultural and generational gaps can sometimes make this exchange difficult, approaching it with empathy, respect, and an open mind can strengthen familial bonds and enrich our lives. The next time an elder offers you counsel, remember that you are being offered a gift, a piece of their life's journey distilled into a valuable lesson. It is up to us to cherish and learn from it.

For further reading on the psychological aspects of aging and wisdom, see the National Institutes of Health's article on "Can the Wisdom of Aging be Activated and Make a Difference?" here.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why do some elders give advice even when not asked?

Unsolicited advice often stems from an elder's deep-seated desire to feel useful and share their wisdom. They may see a potential pitfall based on their own past experiences and feel compelled to intervene out of care, even if it is not requested.

Is it rude to disregard an elder's advice?

While it's not rude to make your own decision, it is important to show respect by listening to their perspective. You can acknowledge their wisdom and thank them for their input, explaining your own reasoning in a calm and respectful manner. This shows you value their counsel, even if you choose a different path.

How can younger generations get better advice from elders?

To get more meaningful advice, try asking specific questions rather than waiting for unsolicited input. Frame your questions around their life experiences, such as asking what they would have done differently in a similar situation, which can lead to more insightful conversations.

Do cultural differences affect how elders give advice?

Yes, cultural differences play a significant role. In many Eastern, more collectivist cultures, elders are explicitly revered for their wisdom, and their advice is expected and highly respected. In Western, more individualistic societies, the emphasis on independence can sometimes create friction around unsolicited advice.

How can elders offer advice more effectively?

Elders can be more effective by offering their perspectives gently rather than as firm commands. Starting with phrases like 'In my experience...' or 'I once learned...' can make the advice feel less like a criticism and more like a shared lesson.

What if an elder's advice seems outdated?

It's common for an elder's advice to be based on a different context or technological era. The best approach is to respectfully discuss the differences. You can thank them for their perspective and explain how modern factors or technologies have changed the situation, creating a learning opportunity for both of you.

How does giving advice benefit the elder themselves?

For elders, giving advice provides a sense of purpose and meaning, which combats feelings of stagnation. It validates their lifetime of experience and strengthens their connections to younger generations, promoting a sense of continued relevance and worth.