Examples of Ageism in Family Communication
Ageism often manifests in the subtle—or not so subtle—ways family members speak to one another across generational lines. These linguistic patterns, known as microaggressions, can be particularly hurtful as they come from trusted loved ones.
Infantilizing and condescending language
One of the most pervasive forms of ageism is the habit of talking down to or infantilizing an older family member. This can take many forms:
- Using a sing-song tone of voice or oversimplified language, often called "elderspeak," regardless of the person's cognitive ability.
- Referring to an older adult with patronizing terms like "sweetie" or "dear," which can be demeaning and undermine their dignity.
- Exclaiming, "You're so cute!" to a grandparent for a minor task, treating them like a child and erasing their adult experience.
Dismissing or ignoring opinions
Another example of ageism is when a family systematically disregards an older relative's contributions or input. For instance, a family might be discussing a complex family decision, such as a major purchase or a renovation, but speak primarily to the younger adult children while the elder is present. Remarks like, "Oh, don't worry about it, you wouldn't understand" or assuming they are too old to grasp modern issues directly invalidates their experience and wisdom.
Behavioral Examples of Family Ageism
Beyond communication, ageism appears in actions that limit the autonomy and dignity of family members, particularly the elderly. These behaviors often stem from benevolent, though misguided, intentions to protect.
Undermining autonomy and decision-making
This occurs when a family member or multiple members take control of another's life based solely on their age, without considering their actual capabilities. A classic example is the preemptive move to put a parent in assisted living. Adult children, perhaps following a minor accident, may rush to find a facility and put down a deposit without their parent's full consent, effectively stripping them of their agency over their own life and home. Similarly, taking over finances, errands, or household chores when the individual is perfectly capable can make them feel useless and powerless.
Assuming a need for unnecessary help
Benevolent ageism can lead to family members assuming an older relative is frail or incapable and offering unsolicited help. This could be grabbing a bag of groceries from a grandparent's hands or taking their arm while crossing the street when they didn't ask for or need assistance. While seemingly kind, this behavior reinforces a narrative of dependency and fragility, undermining the older person's sense of competence and independence.
Exclusion from family activities
Unintentional exclusion is a subtle form of ageism where family members simply assume an older relative is unable or unwilling to participate in certain trips or gatherings. For instance, a family might plan a trip to a city and not invite their grandparents, assuming the travel or walking would be too much for them, without ever having a conversation about it. This kind of exclusion, whether intentional or not, can lead to social isolation and feelings of loneliness in the excluded family member.
Comparison of Subtle vs. Overt Family Ageism
| Feature | Subtle Ageism (Benevolent) | Overt Ageism (Hostile) |
|---|---|---|
| Intent | Often well-intentioned, based on protective impulses. | Openly negative or aggressive; stems from frustration or disdain. |
| Communication | "Elderspeak" and patronizing language. | Making ageist jokes or derogatory comments. |
| Action | Unnecessary help or preemptive decision-making. | Using a person's age to undermine, deceive, or control them. |
| Perpetrator's View | Sees the behavior as kind or caring. | Sees the older person as a burden or nuisance. |
| Impact on Recipient | Can cause shame, diminished self-esteem, and powerlessness. | Causes humiliation, frustration, and feelings of worthlessness. |
Impact on Family Dynamics and Well-being
Family ageism, whether subtle or overt, has serious psychological consequences for the target. It can foster feelings of worthlessness, depression, and social isolation, while also straining the foundational trust within the family unit.
For the older adult, constantly being undermined or treated as an afterthought can lead to internalized ageism, where they begin to believe the negative stereotypes about their own age group. This can cause a decline in self-confidence and a reluctance to engage fully with life. When well-meaning but controlling family members take over decisions, it can create a power imbalance that corrodes the parent-child relationship, turning a previously reciprocal bond into one of dependency and resentment.
For younger family members, perpetuating ageist behaviors creates and reinforces a toxic family environment. When negative perceptions of aging are learned and internalized from family interactions, it can lead to a cycle of disrespect that affects everyone. The assumption that caregiving is a burdensome task, rather than a rewarding aspect of family life, is another ageist belief that can lead to strained relationships. Instead of viewing care as a way to honor and support a loved one, it is framed as an inconvenience or an obligation. This harms not only the care recipient but can also fuel resentment and stress for the caregiver.
Conclusion
Understanding what is an example of ageism in the family is the critical first step toward building healthier and more respectful intergenerational relationships. From dismissive language to undermining an elder’s decisions, ageism can take root in family dynamics often without malicious intent. By recognizing both subtle and overt biases and working to promote open communication and mutual respect, families can create an environment where every member is valued for their wisdom, experience, and individuality, regardless of their age. Fostering a more inclusive and empathetic approach helps break the harmful cycle of age-based prejudice, improving the mental and emotional well-being of all involved and strengthening family bonds for the future.
Key Takeaways
- Infantilizing Elders: Talking to an older family member in a condescending, oversimplified manner, often called "elderspeak," is a primary example of ageism in the family.
- Ignoring Their Opinions: Excluding older relatives from important family decisions or dismissing their input due to their age is a form of discrimination that erodes their sense of self-worth.
- Undermining Autonomy: Making major life decisions for an older relative, like choosing a living arrangement, without their full consent is a clear example of stripping them of their agency.
- Assuming Incapacity: Offering unsolicited help with basic tasks or making assumptions about physical limitations without discussing it first is a form of benevolent ageism that reinforces dependence.
- Excluding from Activities: Leaving older family members out of social gatherings or trips based on ageist assumptions about their capabilities or interest can lead to loneliness and isolation.
- Using Generational Stereotypes: Making negative generalizations about a family member's generation, such as calling an older person "out of touch" or a younger person "entitled," creates harmful divisions and mistrust.
